He’s So Lucky, He’s A Star
What do you call a redneck with a functioning car?
Lucky!
Things Found Only in America
1. Only in America……can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America……are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America……do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America……do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America……do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America……do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.
10. Only in America……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Yo mama’s So Stupid…Sun
Yo mama is so stupid, she traveled to the sun because she thought it was a cheese ball.
Carrots
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
Traveling on Friday
Q: If a cowboy rides into town on Friday, and three days later, he leaves on Friday, how does he do it?
A: The horse’s name is Friday.
Politician Reincarnation
Q: Why are politicians proof of reincarnation?
A: You just can’t get that screwed up in one lifetime.
Adult jokes-Black testicles
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, Wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse’, he mumbles, from behind the mask. ‘Are my testicles black?’
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies ‘I don’t know,Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.’
He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, are my testicles black?’
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, ‘There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!!’
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, ‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very, closely…… ‘A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? ‘
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse’, he mumbles, from behind the mask. ‘Are my testicles black?’
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies ‘I don’t know,Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.’
He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, are my testicles black?’
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, ‘There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!!’
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, ‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very, closely…… ‘A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? ‘
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By N2H
